It might be hard to handle...

 my b-day pic (20yo)

ok, the big day has finally passed, i went up in front of the class and said everything i needed to say. yet what should make me utterly happy, has in fact made me feel all that more stupid. yup, i  think all never get over stage fright, and i'll probably always forget how i come out in the end (OK) but what gets to me is how much stress i put on myself, up to the point that even after i'm done with it all, i get an ENORMOUS headache, like if god is telling me "see, you over reacted, and here is your punishment... muahahah!" well minus the evil laugh, i got him spot on i think haha XD

since i got all crazy the last few days, emotions flying in every direction, i found a way to distract myself... it might seem a bit self absorbed, but i don't care... i like my pictures ans i have lots of fun editing them, plus i haven't took pictures in a while, so all the one i have are of me :D

picmonkey.com.... if you were wondering where I edited the pictures

yes, i'm fine? True or False?...

i never knew my stage fright would get worse, i understood that it was never gonna get over it, but i hate that now i can't even think about going in front of a class,when i still have 2 days to get ready. it's not fare.
i try to remember what Katia told to ask myself every time i get nervous about class work or projects:
do you get bad grades?
can the person grading you, physically hurt you?
do you really not know what your gonna talk about?

but the answer to all those questions is no, but then why do i get all anxious, that i can't even sleep well or i sleep but get up with a wired feeling, like the kind you get when you know your forgetting something, yet your really not :S
i did the breathing technique and the imagination one (where you picture a peaceful place that make you happy and feel safe, etc) still the sensation stays. i told my mom, how pathetic, a 20 yo telling her mom that she is scared of speaking in front of her class :( i almost cried, no wait, i did... i felt better though, letting it out, whether it be through writing or talking, i think it's helped a bit... and maybe the pill my mom gave me to help me sleep.
i write soon to say how it went... 'cause i believe i won't even be opening the internet (chrome) this week.
wish me luck... :)

2 days in...

cookie from karol

brownie from karla

 CHEESECAKE!

with honey mae (prima)

so i turned 20 this Thursday (24/05)

it doesn't feel like my previous birthdays, it's like i got old, not physically, but in my soul :S i guess it might be cause i started to realize how little time i have left to actually establish my life... i know people say you have your entire life, so just take your time, be calm, but if i want a kid young i probable will have to find the guy before i'm 30 witch only leaves me with 10 years!!... and i want to know him a few years before we get married, now i'm down to 8 years, and i want to have a job before i get married, so let’s say i now have like 7 years and i finish (if i finish) in 5 years college! my my how will i get this all done in such "little" time.

i know i might be overreacting, but i just wanted to say what i was thinking, which is why i created this blog in the first place :P

i had a really nice birthday party, just the family, we ate CHEEESECAKE!! (my fav) and Doritos that's another fav of mine. i got money, a bracelet and body cream from the family. since i had class that day, i got to see my friend too, and that made it all that more special, they came and gave me hugs and some even got me food!!, i got a cookie and a brownie, both were soooo good!!! i loved it! 

the only thing i must complain about is my sweet yet spoiled cousin Sage, she has this show she loves and since her dad and brother and sister were coming to see me, she couldn't stay home and watch... in the end she was a ball of angry energy that didn't ever say HB to me... bitch ¬ ¬ 

i got lots of love on facebook, which is sweet, i guess. before people would call, now the just post on FB, all ok though :D 

i went shopping today with my sis, spending the b-day money, she got pissed when i bought a sweater that turned out to be like 20% off, she says i have luck when it come to shopping, every time i get something it either 2 for 1, or x% off, not fair, but i think its ok haha :) she got shoes. pretty ones.

apart from all the birthday updates, i wanted to talk about the disney thing. so far it's all going great, nothing is holding me back. except in the last test the USIL had, which was a physiology interview, to see how well i could handle myself living on my own and working in a "foreign" country, thing is that the teacher that questioned me knew a lot about me, what i mean is she knew about my problem during my first semester in college!! :( and at the end of the in seamed that i would be able to coup with the pressure that come with going to work at disney... my sis says i answered perfectly the questions and that they just wanted to see my reaction, i do some what believe her, yet a part of me still won’t be fully calm till the results come out next month (reeeeeally long time!)

Wish me luck! :)

stupid friends...

found on we heart it

hello. i writing from my college hallway, ext to the door to my classroom :P i'm here feeling a bit guilty and a lot furious! today i had to read like two chapters for the class i'm waiting for, so that my friends and i could do an activity. well silly me, i thought that we only had to do the homework (extract 10 point from the chapters before) and did't read what was intended.
so as i received the call from V, i slowly reacted and new i had no time to read before the class. and so i didn't :P my friends didn't arrive till a few min before, but i did and ran into other people who had also forgotten about the text. so i felt a bit better, yet when my friends arrived they looked at me with shame, and not the "oh u silly girl, but oh well, we'll still work together", no the look said "hey, how stupid can u be, i mean it was a short text, and if u forgot what part, read it all!" yup, it made me feel worse than how i felt in the morning :( stupid.
i have now realized that they the type of girls that will always read ahead, just so they can finish first or "do it better", which doesn't not bother meat all, just they're sooo paranoid, i mean more than half the class didn't read, so i'm guessing it wasn't so important, besides the teacher is relaxed, if she were strict, then i would have forgotten in the first place.
i do all the manual stuff in the class activities, write, talk, etc. i'm not saying i won't help, in fact i put most ideas in the last two, so fuck them.
thank god i have more friends, with whom i'm joining instead of the other girls, they weren't upset about me not reading, and there were more relaxed.
and on top of everything! when they saw me hand in the homework, they looked shocked, i'm not an idiot! i just didn't read! for today i will not speak to them, but they made me feel bad, ruined all my good vibe. stupid stupid girls!