why?...

I don’t love him… I just like to kiss him.

i love how i can write here and not care how reads! it gives me the freedom and will to say my secret things or just stuff i will always be embarrassed to say directly to people.

like my first kiss... never have i told anyone how it went. not that it was shameful, just plain awkward, i was 13. everybody in m grade had already had theirs,  yes i succumb to peer pressure, not happy for it just a fact. it was a my cousins b-day party, he was turning like 5 maybe, not sure; all the older kids went inside to watch a scary movie (silent hill) i sat next to one of the boys. he was nice, really made me laugh, i feel bad i don't remember his name... i tried to erase the memories for so long, yet a girl never forgets her first kiss right?

before the movie was over, a lot of the other kids left (because it was too scary or bored) so i was left alone with him. he started to hold my hand, etc. then he kissed me, i don't know if it was great, good, ok or just plain, i had never had another kiss before, and now that i have, i can't remember the feeling. what i do remember is that i could not stop laughing after every kiss :P

we went outside with the other kids when my mom said it was time to go sing happy birthday, then i played with the girls, he played with the boys and then left, never again did i see him. i knew it wasn't what i wanted from a first kiss, that's why i don't count it when my friends ask, and for a long time that meant i had never kissed anyone :S

after that year, more and more of my friends started having boyfriends, i never did (not even now) still waiting i guess. i had 2 prospects, one started a year before the kiss, he was my first real friends that was a boy. he started flirting with me when we were in 7th grade. oh how i loved that time, him following me, saying he'd pay for a chocolate i  wanted but didn't bring enough that day, sitting next to me even if his friends made jokes, and getting soooo jealous when his friend would talk to me and make the same joke every time "hey lore, will you marry me? cause you r sooo beautiful" hahaha i would just look at him( not the friend) and see his face go all mad :) but sadly he moved away for 9th grade (never came back) he asked me to be his girlfriend, stupid thing was that he asked a week before classes ended, and 2 weeks before he left :( i said no, broke my little heart too; the first guy i really like and he had to move away. we stayed in contact though, always bothering each other about having a boy or girlfriend.. knowing that we really liked each other, and missed hanging out. he now has had like 5 or more girlfriends.. i don't get jealous, unless i think about 7th grade, then i hate the bitch who has him :P

the other guy how had my heart, i think i have mentioned a few times before, was Danny when we were in  my last year in school, god now that was a such a movie like relationship. we had never talked to each other until that year, he'd even look at me with the look that said "you suck" or "just go away, you annoy me" hahah in my last year he was in my class, so i'd see him every day, we became friends after like 3 months of class, cause we had mutual friends, and one way or another we'd have to hang out. until, i remember clearly, he was talking to Val, i went up to talk too i guess. Val left and i stayed, we talked a bit, and he said "i'm cold" just a random thing to say, maybe having to do with the weather, so i got his jacket and put it over him, now that i recall, i did get somewhat closer than normal, he just looked at me straight into my eyes, from then on we always talked, or looked at each other from a cross the class room. i have soo many pictures of us together. the next best thing that happened between us was when he started to hold my hand when no one was around, he was soooo shy as was i :P and hug me too. then prom came, he didn't ask me :( i went with Willy, great guy. Danny went with my best friend Diana (this didn't bother me) cause i would see him anyway at the dance. i got to the prom, had a few dances with my date, the rest of the night i spent with Danny, nothing really happened (no kissing) just hand holding, i remember the moment when he lifted my hand to his lips, looking at me, not like the old fashion kiss on the hand, more like "i love your smooth hands" haha, really this memory makes me heart jump, i miss him (not that he's dead) just he never asked me out, we never really said that we liked each other out loud. he went to another college as did i, and i haven't seen or heard from him since, apart from the occasional happy b-day message on facebook. i haven't seen any pics of a  girlfriend, but trust me i would get me a bit jealous to find that out...

wow this post was supposed to be about what happened last weekend, i can finally say i had a real kiss, though the guy was not what i expected, just so you know he's older than me, witch wouldn't be a big deal for anyone, but for me it is. because i have always ALWAYS! be surrounded by people younger than me, not way younger, just 1 -2 -3 years younger. this happened when i moved here, i was held back a year to get better at Spanish. so hanging out with 23yo and over was  bit of a shock hahaha still the kiss, nice, he was nice, but the thing i hate about being a girl is that i can't forget it, it's constantly in my mind, i try to distract myself, nothing works. to add to these feelings i also have a sense of guilt, i don't regret it, just feel bad. i'm going out on Friday, i will for sure see him, but i just feel nervous all the time. i hope it will pass, but if anyone knows a way to surpass this, give me advice, i really would like to hear from other people who have gone though this too :)